Breaking out, try again.....

dream big. a painting from last year....

BE prepared for a large dose of brain vomit here.....and proceed with caution....

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been scarce around these parts lately. I'd apologize but I have no intention of misleading you by posting crap in an effort to get you to visit just because I blog everyday.

I've been hunkering down and doing a lot of thinking....The world at large has me contemplating so much lately. The devastation that has happened and will continue to happen in Japan, the ongoing clusterf*ck in the Middle East and northern Africa. My basic need to worry about the world's problems and how I can better serve the world.

So I've had a hard time verbalizing what is going on with me and how I feel about it. I feel like a tool posting new things about my shop (not that there have been many) when people have had their entire lives and families ripped away in one foul swoop of mother nature's awesome power. Hey! Tens of thousands just died and there's an impending worldwide nuclear disaster! wanna see what's new in my Etsy shop???

Anyway, I digress....I hope in a good way. I've taken the several weeks off to contemplate all that is my business....whatever that is, because I'm not sure I actually know. I get glimpses sometimes about what it is, or what it could be, and what I do or do not like about all of those things.

I dislike production. and I don't want to feel like a bead making machine. Because that isn't enjoyable. Etsy, as of late, has really started to disenchant me. I love Etsy, from way back in 2005 when I first listed a few paintings and low and behold, after 3 months, I actually sold one. However, to become a successful shop and seller, there is a rote that I have become very uncomfortable with in order to keep selling. I love my customers. Please don't misunderstand me. But the constant production, the constant marketing involved with listing, social networking, blogging. It is exhausting and I know many of you can relate. If I am making handmade things, and the efforts exhaust me to the point where my joy is negating the actual pleasure of making them, what makes me different than any garbage you can buy at a big box store that comes from exhausted workers in third world countries who work ungodly schedules to provide basic sustenance to their families? Because in essence, that is what I'm doing. I'm constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul and deciding if we'll have a decent dinner.

In this vein, I constantly question capitalism and if it's really the answer. I research blogs, I find successful artists who are making it. How have they become successful? Have they enjoyed a lucrative licensing deal where there goods are then mass produced overseas? Many times this is the case.

This point hit home for me today. A few weeks ago, while visiting family, we were perusing gift shops. An artist I truly admire, who has a very successful licensing career, was prominently displayed in this gift shop. I had this moment, where I said to myself, HOW DO I GET TO THIS PLACE? Span forward, to today when I was at the Goodwill, and I saw one of said artist's mass produced items in the fray. Is that what I'm seeking? A piece of the pie? To be rich and find my stuff discarded at the Goodwill? After some reckless consumer has decided it's no longer their taste?

Not always, but a lot. And I'm not comfortable with that. I want to be at home, with my craft. I want to inspire others. I would like to write a book someday. But I want to be true and that is the reason for the break. I'm thinking about all this and where I fit in...to the grand scheme of things. of these things we call art. and how they are all just things. how they could all be wiped away in the blink of an eye and how they figure into this grand thing we call life.

If you read this far, thank you.

My first ever video and an intro to a tutorial....

So, I've been pondering about what to do for a fun tutorial and I was inspired by Malin's little vlogs she's been making. I think it is so fun to hear all the voices of those whose blogs I read everyday, don't you? It just makes it all so personal.

So today I had a giant brainstorm. It was such a lovely day and I was reading everyone's blogs that I lurk on about snow days and snow storms that I thought to give you all a little vacation.

There is an actual tutorial bit coming, but being my first vlog tutorial, I need to edit it down a bit.

When you see the meaty-goodness part you'll see what I mean....but I think it turned out rather well being my first one and considering I shot it with my right hand while painting with my left hand and simultaneously being distracted by weird-o people jogging with their entire heads wrapped in scarves....Seriously...it was nowhere near cold enough for that. Without a stiff wind it was actually quite warm in my long sleeve shirt and jeans.

Anyway, it may take me a few days to get it edited but in the meantime enjoy a little taste of the salt air and sunshine!

True-ing up...vol. 1.1

Pan-roasted balsamic veggies from one of my dinners this week

So....I'm using the blog to help me stay true to my healthy eating, weight-loss plan. If it gets to aggravating you, feel free to skip these posts.

I did good for the most part this past week. (read a side track to southern-style dinner and another dinner at Carrabba's sprinkled in there) My weight loss has slowed way down, due to the fact, I think, that the first 12 lbs. has something to do with the whole holiday overconsumption plus the kidney stone affair. So I've dropped another 2-ish lbs. since I told you about the 12 but that seems to fluctuate on the day.

My Jillian Michaels DVD came in the mail this week. and I already hate that freakin' bitch. My thighs are screaming for mercy and I only got through the first 15 minutes. once. But I'm back on the horse tomorrow. Insert giant cuss stream here (&(&*((%(%(^($(#(@(!!@(#($(%((FFFFFFF%^&K!

But let me freaking tell you, I'm sick to death of eating vegetables.

sick.
to.
death.

I haven't found enough ways to prepare them that they end up tasting too vastly different. I mean, seriously, there ends up being only so many ways that you can prepare veggies in a low fat manner that varies the taste. Last night, I made veggie enchiladas that were amazing, but the mister was only so-so about them so that factors in as well.

That would bring me to a whole other topic about feeding a finicky man while you are on a health binge but I digress....

The filling was fantastic! I sauteed onions, garlic, mushrooms, 1/2 a red pepper, and one jalapeno. Then I stirred in a rinsed can of black beans, one sweet and one red potato that I slightly par-cooked in the micro (skin on) and stirred in some torn spinach at the end. Plus I added cumin, chili powder, and some other various seasoning to taste. I think I added a little water in there while it was cooking up because it got a little dry.

Then I filled the tortillas. I used half plain old white tortillas (for the mister) and half high fiber/ low carb tortillas for me.

I made a homemade enchilada sauce with tomato sauce, cumin, chili powder, garlic, etc. I would've preferred to use a green sauce but this came together on the fly so I was using what I had in the pantry. I topped it off with a low fat mexican cheese blend and baked in the oven at 375 until golden brown and toasty-licious.

It was a great alternative to my normal chicken enchilada recipe and I think next time I try it, I'll go for the verde green sauce and maybe spot some 0% greek yogurt in for some of the creaminess that the above was lacking that I missed....because low fat sour cream sucks! but 0% greek yogurt is orgasmic when you're on a diet....just sayin'...

But all in all, I'm staying tough and strong! Bitchin' and moaning the whole way! Tonight the mister needed a break from all the healthful eating so he got a Totino's pizza and as damn delicious as it smelled in the oven (yeah, now you know I'm in full food-addict withdrawal) I ate my vegan veggie burger on high fiber bun with spinach along with some roasted veggies and choked it down while suppressing the urge not to go cook a Totino's for myself.

Keepin' my eye on the prize (a.k.a. those jeans in my drawer that my ass won't fit into)

But all bitching and moaning aside, I feel great and my body is TRES happy eating all these veggies and fiber....so that helps :)

True-ing up.....

the photo where you go, "how the F$*@! did my ass get so big????


I wanted to share this story of mine because some of you may find it inspiring:

DISCLAIMER: This is a tale about being comfortable in one's own skin. Finding the weight that is comfortable to me. I have seen women of 280 lbs and 180 lbs. and less that I would be happy to live in their bodies because they were at the weight that exuded their own freedom and personal beauty. I'm working towards self love, self acceptance, and feeling beautiful in my own skin.

And so my tale for today:

So amongst my other New Year's goals and ambitions (I prefer not to call them resolutions but goals) it was a resolve to eat healthier, eat less meat, and lose weight. I'm excited to report now that I've lost over 12 lbs!!! On a goal to lose 35...but being realistic, I'll be happy with 25 continued on my current new path. And if I don't lose anymore weight eating my current plan, then I will be content to be eating well, healthfully, and happy!

I LOVE FOOD, and left unchecked, I will eat myself into oblivion. I am large by nature, all around. I am tall 5'11" so I can support some weight naturally. I also come from a long line of healthy stock and healthy eaters, so I have a large appetite....and I love food! ummmmm, did I say that already?

What I don't like is feeling uncomfortable in my skin and my clothes. At my largest, about 5 years ago, I weighed 193 lbs. I was an uncomfortable size 14. This is only about 15lbs over the normal scale for my BMI, I might add, but it was enough for me to change.

I was determined to not to have to go to the plus size store to shop and so I embarked on what I called, "the skinny girl's diet". I made it up really, coupled with what I already knew about healthy eating, which was tempering my caloric intake with lower carbs and moderating my portions, which is my BIG ADVERSARY. I can eat ANYONE under the table. ANYONE....(not something to be proud of, I might add)

The skinny girl diet mantra, in my head, was "would a skinny girl eat this????" would a skinny girl eat the supersize fry?"

I got down, over the course of 2 years to 135 (also insert stressful job and waning marriage to the mix) which as anyone who has gone through those things will attest, is the best diet ever (albeit, not the healthiest).

Cut to 3+ years passed the 135 mark, I was back to 170+, had no jeans that I wanted to wear, without the dreaded muffin top. All of my cute size M shirts had been replaced with XLs and again, I felt like a giant blob. I had gone back to my old habits of eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

And this time...
I feel like I have made a huge positive change.

I am eating way less meat.
I am eating way more veggies.
My cabinets and fridge are full of healthy stuff.

And I've replaced my junk food habits with healthy veggies, fruits, and juicing. (still crave french fries, just sayin')

And I'm losing weight. Eating the stuff I want. Still tempering my carbs (I LOVE BREAD & STARCHY STUFF) I'm still hungry sometimes. I am used to eating ALOT. But I'm using a cool iphone app that lets me track my food and progress so it is all good!

So, losing weight is always a struggle.
There is no magic pill.
It takes effort.

But it takes the realization, that you want to be something else. That with growth comes obstacles and moving outside your comfy bud.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

You were born with wings

new speckled eggs available in the etsy shop


Going through my stuff in my constant desire to purge and simplfy, I found some projects from my metals classes in college. I took several metals classes, as electives, after discovering that a drawing minor would eat up any opportunity to do something other than draw.

It is actually fairly fortuitous that I came to these classes late in my college career because at that point, I was already developing themes in my work and it was interesting to see the themes carry over into different media naturally without thought or planning.

a sandwiched pendant with riveting, acetate, and stamped words from metals class

Birds were something I latched onto right away. There were very strong themes of home, creating a home, and what it meant to be a modern female operating in today's society at that time, in my work. I have always struggled with these roles and the passing years have eased my angst on the subject. I realize now that it is less of something to be defined and more of embracing my own individuality and creating my own paradigm.

a domed birdcage pendant I made, this may have been metals II

interior with feathers and etching

After years of struggling through the post college amphora of identity and career, it is wildly satisfying to see how my work has come full circle and still embraces many of the themes that I followed so many years ago (can it be almost 8 years????)

now I've come full circle, now I've come HOME



How it has now changed and taken shape and how I have found the wings I've been seeking all these years.


You were born with potential

You were born with goodness and trust

You were born with ideals and dreams

You were born with greatness

You were born with wings

You are not meant for crawling, so don't

You have wings

Learn to use them and fly!

~Rumi

Fractal

My thought and creative processes have been very fragmented lately. And, trust me, they don't need any help in that matter in the first place. After the busy-ness of the last several months, I have been feeling completely tapped out.



I've been in this wild, wonderful creative journey long enough to realize the importance of being gentle with myself, with my creative spirit and my sensitive nature. However, it is still a struggle for me.



I haven't been working on new polymer. Actually, I have, I did this week. Worked on some fall inspired colors and owls to go with the changing of the seasons and transition my color palette. The majority turned into a floppity-flop, which is fine. I was experimenting with a new brand of poly (fancy stuff, even) I think given time, it might grow on me, but as of yet, the experience is still leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

It reminded me, once again, how ingrained our process becomes with not only our medium but even down to specific supplies.

I remember this, of course, after the fact.

Being a mixed media artist, I remember back to different times when I HAD to have a certain brand of cerulean blue paint to capture that thing, that essence, that specific quality I was seeking.

So it is putting me in a bit of perspective, centering me, if you will. Despite the fact I've de-cluttered my studio and my life numerous times, it has me thinking really hard & reevaluating the clutter and necessity of my process and how I'm
honoring it.



The old with the new. I've been experimenting with some techniques I picked up out of Stephanie Lee's Semiprecious Salvage. Here is my first finished experiment ♥